Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Life Coaching and Weight Loss Chat

Hi, All.

As usual, my Monday nights are spent in a weight loss chat room, hosting and visiting with people who are interested in losing weight, getting support from a group, and sharing victories, successes and challenges with others who are also in the same situation of trying to implement healthier life choices, eat right, and lose weight.

Join me on Monday nights at 7 pm PST, 10 pm EST, on www.weightlossbuddy.com.

It doesn't cost a thing; you just have to register, and the people on the site are great. If you're struggling with your weight, with getting proper exercise, or eating healthy, then take advantage of having a support system who understands and is willing to help.

Hope to see you all on Monday Nights.
Jana B Holland, M.Ed.
Life in Motion - Life Coaching
Tucson, Arizona

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Hand-Ups

Taking a day off from the 10 Dumbest Mistakes - cuz I think I discovered a new one yesterday that warrants a shout-out. Of course, as usual, I do the best learning by mistaking.

So yesterday I was driving home from my day at work. It was not abnormally late (like 7 pm), but I was tired, my contacts were killing me, and my Thirstbuster was gone by early afternoon, which might have contributed to my being a little cranky. I was almost home when I got to the intersection at Thornydale and Cortaro, and although the turn light was only yellow, the car directly in front of me slammed on its brakes and came to a sudden stop. I sat in disbelief as I sat and watched the light turn to red. Usually when I see that, I'm at least halfway through the intersection. Oh well. I figured I didn't need to be in a huge hurry anyway.

There was a very thin homeless man selling newspapers in the median. Usually, I'm good for a buck or two, but I didn't want to rummage for change, was in a hurry to get home, and so I avoided eye contact, which can usually spare me at least some guilt or shame for not being a good enough person to help a fellow human out.

The guy in front of me, who was too chicken to run the yellow, engaged the guy in conversation. No big deal. In fact, I thought it was nice. And then as the North and Southbound traffic slowed, and I anticipated our quickly arriving green light, the guy gets OUT of his car, and pops his trunk. The light turns green. I start to panic. What is this guy doing? Is he looking in his trunk for a weapon to beat the homeless man with? Rifling through bags to find a couple of quarters to donate? Did the car break down? What the heck? Hurry up! The light is green-green-green! Let's go, Buddy! No time to mingle.

And then I realized what the guy in the car in front of me was doing in his trunk. He pulled out what appeared to be a new (or in very condition) jacket, and gave it to the guy on the median, who almost started bawling. The guy in the car slammed the trunk closed, waved an "i'm sorry" at me, and then got back into his car and drove away, barely making the yellow, and leaving me once again at that darn intersection, with a red light, and a very happy guy on the median, selling newspapers, and wearing a new jacket.

Dumb Mistake:
Being in too big a hurry to notice the little miracles that occur around us every day. And forgetting that the world really is a pretty friendly place.

JB Holland
Life Coach
Tucson, AZ

Monday, October 10, 2005

Mistake #1: Chicken Little Syndrome


Dumb Mistake Number One that Smart People Make: Chicken Little Syndrome

When something falls on the head of Chicken Little, the infamous piece of poultry assumes that the sky is falling, and that all in the world are doomed.

Also referred to as "catastophizing" or "awfulizing" (by Albert Ellis), the Chicken Little Syndrome leads people to jump to conclusions about the awful-ness of circumstances, and even create worst-case scenarios for themselves. Pessimism instead of optimism. It's the "sinking feeling" that one gets when your boss announces that s/he wants to talk to you in 20 minutes. Do you spend the next 20 minutes excited about the possibilities, or terrorized by worry about all the mistakes you've made, and the horrible consequences that could result?

Unfrotunately, these catastrophisizing thoughts can actually make things worse - and in some cases even CAUSE the catastrophic events that we fear most. As stated in the book, The Ten Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make and How to Avoid Them, thinking the worst can actually bring about the disaster you fear - and it can happen in very subtle ways, and in just a matter of seconds.

One example is that of Mark, who is preparing to deliver a speech to his colleagues. Even as he approaches the microphone, instead of focusing on the content of his speech, Mark is awfulizing. The horrible scene flies through his mind:

What if the microphone won't work? I'll get upset and lose my place. I'll stutter. Then I'll get the whole thing messed up. Everyone will laugh at me. That will make my boss furious. I can forget about any kind of promotion. I'll be lucky if I keep my job. This speech could destroy me."

In a matter of seconds, Mark has written a "script for disaster." By the time he opens his mouth, he is convinced that his job is on the line. How well can one perform under that kind of self-imposed pressure?

The authors do point out, however, that avoiding those awfulizing thoughts, and instead thinking REALISTICALLY, does not mean cheerfully assuming that nothing bad will ever happen, and that everything will always be okay. It does mean challenging the realism of your awfulizing thoughts, preparing for what you CAN prepare for, and then catching yourself when you fall into the trap of writing a script for disaster before you've even started.

Like Chicken Little, instead of asking "Gee, I wonder what hit me on the head? It may be a small piece of sky. Perhaps I should gather more information and perhaps consult with an expert?" we all too often jump to grand conclusions based on a small piece of evidence, exaggerate the importance or awful-ness of it, and get ourselves all worked up into a panic.

So what can we do about it? Challenge Those Negative, Pessimistic, Catastrophizing Thoughts!
Authors Freeman and DeWolf suggest DE-Catastrophizing. Becoming aware of Chicken-Little thoughts and challenging the truthfulness of those fears. For Mark, in the example above, he could ask "Is this speech really the death of me? My career?" "Have I made this too important? Am I jumping to conslusions? Am I assuming that the sky is falling?"

What are your automatic self-destructive awfulizing thoughts? What are the common paths to Chicken Littledom?
  • The Path of Global Effect. Sounds like (and I'm paraphrasing): "That sucked. I didn't do that well at all. I suck. I don't do anything well." This happens when we take a small incident, and assign global truths to it. Taking a single unpleasant event, and making generalized assumptions about how it applies to all future similar events.
  • The Path of Generalization. Sounds like, "That didn't work. It will never work. I asked 2 women/men out on dates. They both said no. Women/men just don't like me. I'll never find someone to love me." From Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, "A coward dies many times before his death." We fail once, and imagine a million failures therafter; most unrealitic.
  • The Path of Imitation, also known as "The Turkey Lurkey Effect." Adopting the conclusions of others, without questioning, disputing, or challenging their reality.
  • The Path of Magnification. Assuming that a small event or mistake will have insurmountable consequences. Hyponchondriasis. A boss's sincerely productive feedback. Making a mountain out of a molehill.
Do any of those sound familiar? Which path might YOU take when under stress that exacerbates your anxiety and leads to awfulizing?

LIFE COACHING Exercise / Assignment for the Day: Practice "catching" those assumptions you make, the generalizations you make, and the awfulizing and catastrophizing thoughts, and challenge them. Refuse to automatically adopt a pessimistic and over-blown reaction to your situation.

And then let me know how it goes.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make

I recently went to my favorite used bookstore to get a copy of a couple of books I wanted. Although I didn't find the ones I was looking for, I left with 4 others that I didn't know I wanted until I saw them, and then couldn't figure out how I could have lived without them.

One book I picked up is titled "The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make" by Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf. I especially like it because the preface was written by Aaron Beck, whose work, like that of Albert Elllis, focuses on self-talk, irrational beliefs, and changing one's perspective with techniques like neuro-linguistic programming and such.

Anyway - for the next 10 days, as an effort to stay on top of this blog, (while also exercising my writing muscles), I will be covering the Top 10 Mistakes that Smart People (like you) Make, and How to Avoid Them.

Today we focus on WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO IDENTIFY OUR THINKING MISTAKES (also sometimes called "stinking thinking")

THINKING THAT YOU KNOW BETTER

Aha! Alhtough this is not officially one of the 10 dumbest mistakes, I do consider it one, and one I make a lot. I often find myself thinking that because I KNOW better, I should be incapable of acting inappropriately or making any kinds of mistakes. Dumb mistake, in and of itself. I have countless times experienced situations in which I knew better than to say, do, or act the way I did, and yet did it or said it anyway. How could I? How could I be so dumb? I know better than to do that! What was I thinking?

Unfortunately, as we all must realize at some point, at certain times, and in certain circumstances, it is virtually guaranteed that your SMARTS will desert you, and that knowing better won't make one iota of difference.

One time that this may happen is under duress. We all have different threshholds of tolerance for stress and anxiety; but when the brain's chemistry is altered by being under a significant level of unmanageable sensory overload, the effect can be complete abandon of all sense. You might even say that your brain is not within your voluntary control.

Identifying those times, and working to lower one's stress threshhold will help; in the meantime, just follow this blog for the next 10 days, to start to identify how, where, and if you are a smart person who makes dumb mistakes, and start to work on avoiding them.

Tomorrow: Mistake Number One

Chicken Little Syndrome

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Coaches - Coach Thy Selves

So I'm writing a book.

That's right - I don't like admitting it, because of the inherant expecation to actually finish it someday that accompanies that announcement, but I'm not making the kind of progress on it that I want to, and know I should, so I'm just going to put it out there and make myself accountable - as scary as that is.

So what's my block? It's funny, because as a life coach, I work with clients on this same topic rather frequently. One of my clients, a PhD student (in clinical psychology, ironically enough) has been struggling with writer's burnout, (as have I) and the fear of failure has left her almost paralyzed (I can relate!)

So I'm going to take my own advice, coach myself as I would my clients, and do some serious work on myself so that I don't have this project (that I really do love) hovering over me like a piano dangling from a 10-story building. (Bad analogy - but it's a vivid image for me.)

Piano - be gone!

Some great self-coaching questions are found on a blog at www.startliving.org.uk. Okay - don't leave to go there, but you might think about checking it out, since you seem to have time, and an inexplicable interest in life coaching blogs - but that's a good thing!!

Using the OSKAR method (paraphrasing and giving credit to the anonymous author of startliving.org.uk) and actually coaching myself into motion, here goes:
OUTCOME:
  1. What is the objective of the coaching session? To get the motivation and drive to get off my duff and write.
  2. What do you want to achieve today? I'd like to get another 2-5 pages written, while AVOIDING the urge to spend time re-writing or critiquing myself.
SCALING:
  1. On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 representing the worst it has ever been and 10 the preferred future, where would you put the situation today? For motivation I'm at about a 6. I want to write, but I fight it!
  2. You are at 6 now; what did you do to get this far? Got a good running start, and have the characters clearly defined in my head.
  3. How would you know you had got to 6+1? When I have some kind of outline to know what the plot is, and maybe even how it ends.
  • KNOW-HOW & RESOURCES:
  1. What helps you perform at 6 on the scale, rather than 0? Having the idea in my head of a scene or bit of dialogue.
  2. When does the outcome already happen for you - even a little bit? When I make any kind of progress.
  3. What did you did to make that happen? How did you do that? I was setting a time each day for my writing. I would take the first hour of my day to concentrate on making progress on it.
AFFIRM AND ACTION:
  1. What's already going well? Well - hard to say. I've been letting it sit for too long. I haven't been doing much of anything on it. So other than what's already been done and sitting (for months) not much progress is being made. Not going well at all.
  2. What is the next small step? To get over my fear of starting, failing, or sucking, and just get some more words on paper.
  3. You are at ? now, what would it take to get you to ?+1? Already asked and answered.
REVIEW:
  1. What's better?
  2. What did you do that made the change happen?
  3. What effects have the changes had?
  4. What do you think will change next?
This section I need to wait to fill out until after I've done SOMETHING on paper. Then I'll be able to analyze what strategies I used to overcome the "get Started" paralysis and just do it.

I'll keep you posted.