Finding Your Zen: Stress Management | Resilience

Have you ever wondered what makes some people tick? Why some people seem to be able to bounce back after adversity and withstand challenges? Coach Jana Beutler has studied people who seem to have "found their zen" and who bounce back despite enormous challenges. She has identified characteristic which these people share, the first of which is RESILIENCE. 

In this presentation, Coach Jana takes you through one of the classes in her "Find Your Zen" Stress Management curriculum and series.

Vegas, Baby!

Ron and I went to Vegas this week. By the end of the weekend, he had gotten an advanced kettlebell / fitness certification, and I had lost $60 on the roulette table. Not without winning first, of course. We both learned some things in the process.

I started out on the nickel blackjack machine. Doubled my ten bucks and was feeling dangerous. So I moved to roulette. Won a lot. Got risky. Won some more. Risked some more. Lost some. Got desperate. Lost a lot. I won't make a long boring story into a short boring story, but I learned some lessons by standing there watching that darn wheel.

Picking up momentum by getting excited about possibilities is a good thing. It keeps you in the game, keeps you hopeful, and makes you able to step outside of what's comfortable and take some risks. Like life, isn't it? Things going your way. Feeling good. Making choices that you might not if you lived in fear. And it pays off. Energy. Excitement. And the willingness to play.

Until the momentum dies, and the desperation and ennui sit in. Complacency Arrives. At one point, I didn't even CARE if I won. I was done playing, but I just couldn't leave. Or I thought I couldn't. I should have. I should have picked up while things were good and used that energy to do some other things. Are you getting the analogy?

Moving ahead while things are going well is easy; it's when it's not easy any more that we have to face who we are and see what we've got. Sometimes it's good to stay and risk. Sometimes it's better to leave the table when you're up and look for other opportunities before the hope leaves and you start getting cynical.

So recognize when you're up and carefully evaluate if you're using your resources in the right place by staying. Or maybe it's time to take your chips and put them elsewhere. And only risk what you can lose.

You Always Get It Back

I'm returning from a week-long Conference in Phoenix where I was assisting at a Life Coach Training Foundations Course for the Adler School of Professional Coaching. It was a Foundations Course for coaches from all over the world. (Hello to Mary, Murray from New Zealand, and Margie from the East Coast!)

Anyway - it was a phenomenal week, and the most amazing thing is I learn new things every time I revisit old topics, trainings and opportunities. In fact - sometimes it's as if the material is brand new.

This time, I learned throughout the week (and some personal coaching) that I might have a purpose, and that identifying a "purpose" in ones' life can be a real pain in the UNOWUT if you're not ready to accept responsibility for what comes with identifying it.

Sometimes it's just a gift we get, a passion we have, a talent, a desire, or the way the stars align. Sometimes we have to work for it and name it; sometimes we wish for something to be our purpose; and sometimes we just wonder what it is. And all of that is okay. We don't always have to identify what it is or even know that we have one. And you know what else? Purpose can change along the way, so once you find it, don't hang on too tight.

Fr me, it's a nagging item on my "to put on the to do" list. Although I've made a lot of great changes and accomplished a lot of things I've wanted to, there are some nagging un-done things are still lingering and haunting me. And they're the same ones they've been for a while. They're the ones that haven't even made it from the "to do" list to the "being done" list.

So what is my block? Why do I think of a million things to do to stay busy, but still have such a hard time settling in and accepting that I have a purpose that I'm neglecting? Why do any of us procrastinate, make busy-work and ignore our gifts? Why do we react instead of create? It's not that hard to figure out, really. What I want to do and need to do to is going to be hard! And I might suck at it, and I'm going to do it anyway. Like it or not. Because I have to. And then I'm going to try really hard not be attached to the outcome and just LET.....IT.....GO!!!

Happy New You!

I started off the New Year with a little cold. Nothing unusual - just the typical sniffles, cough and sore throat. But what it's allowed me to do is spend some time alone, thinking about what 2008 holds, and what I can make of it.

With each new year, I find a kind of anxiety in the air. Yes, anxiety more than excitement in most people. I think this stems from the fear that all the hopes and dreams we have for the new year just might not occur in reality, and so the disappointment starts before the new year gets off to a good start. Missed opportunities, failed attempts, and wasted time are everyone's fear. So why set yourself up

No resolutions for me. A resolution is a promise. And why promise something that might not get delivered? I prefer, instead, to think about the opportunities I can TAKE during the next quarter. A year is hard to manage; but a quarter - 3 months? I can do that! And I try to never set goals that involve quitting something, or taking something away. Sometimes even just changing the language makes the goal more palatable.

So I set my sights on things like Doing, Making, Creating, Writing, etc, using terms that are positive, action-oriented, and get me revved up!

So I won't be quitting anything this year; or maybe I will but will focus on what I'm gaining. And I'll do a lot more of the things I like doing, am good at, or just plain have fun doing.

The Weak Shall Inherit the Girth

Yes, it's kinda funny. But true. Strength training actually leads to faster metabolism and faster weight loss! I talk to a lot of people who have tried to lose weight - some successfully - through dieting alone. But in the long run, it comes back, and in the process of losing weight, have lost muscle - not fat.

We know that it's important to do three things to make longlasting changes in the body: 1) Proper nutrition, 2)Strength training, resistance training, weight training, and 3) Cardio, cardio, cardio!

When all three happen at the same time - it's magic, not rocket science. Please see a qualified trainer to learn how to perform exercises so that you maximize benefits, and that your form and technique are correct.

I'm BACK!

Well, I haven't forgotten about you..

There's lots going on in my life these days. My personal training company is thriving, and my coaching clients keep me very busy.

SWAT Personal Training in Tucson was nominated (and is a finalist) for Small Business of the Year. I've been putting press kits together, and attending training to launch our new and improved SWAT ADVENTURE BOOT CAMP program!

I've been putting out a monthly newsletter, and am even doing some writing!

So I'm going strong, and I'm glad to be back in the blogging world.

I've missed you.

Life Coaching and Weight Loss Chat

Hi, All.

As usual, my Monday nights are spent in a weight loss chat room, hosting and visiting with people who are interested in losing weight, getting support from a group, and sharing victories, successes and challenges with others who are also in the same situation of trying to implement healthier life choices, eat right, and lose weight.

Join me on Monday nights at 7 pm PST, 10 pm EST, on www.weightlossbuddy.com.

It doesn't cost a thing; you just have to register, and the people on the site are great. If you're struggling with your weight, with getting proper exercise, or eating healthy, then take advantage of having a support system who understands and is willing to help.

Hope to see you all on Monday Nights.
Jana B Holland, M.Ed.
Life in Motion - Life Coaching
Tucson, Arizona

Hand-Ups

Taking a day off from the 10 Dumbest Mistakes - cuz I think I discovered a new one yesterday that warrants a shout-out. Of course, as usual, I do the best learning by mistaking.

So yesterday I was driving home from my day at work. It was not abnormally late (like 7 pm), but I was tired, my contacts were killing me, and my Thirstbuster was gone by early afternoon, which might have contributed to my being a little cranky. I was almost home when I got to the intersection at Thornydale and Cortaro, and although the turn light was only yellow, the car directly in front of me slammed on its brakes and came to a sudden stop. I sat in disbelief as I sat and watched the light turn to red. Usually when I see that, I'm at least halfway through the intersection. Oh well. I figured I didn't need to be in a huge hurry anyway.

There was a very thin homeless man selling newspapers in the median. Usually, I'm good for a buck or two, but I didn't want to rummage for change, was in a hurry to get home, and so I avoided eye contact, which can usually spare me at least some guilt or shame for not being a good enough person to help a fellow human out.

The guy in front of me, who was too chicken to run the yellow, engaged the guy in conversation. No big deal. In fact, I thought it was nice. And then as the North and Southbound traffic slowed, and I anticipated our quickly arriving green light, the guy gets OUT of his car, and pops his trunk. The light turns green. I start to panic. What is this guy doing? Is he looking in his trunk for a weapon to beat the homeless man with? Rifling through bags to find a couple of quarters to donate? Did the car break down? What the heck? Hurry up! The light is green-green-green! Let's go, Buddy! No time to mingle.

And then I realized what the guy in the car in front of me was doing in his trunk. He pulled out what appeared to be a new (or in very condition) jacket, and gave it to the guy on the median, who almost started bawling. The guy in the car slammed the trunk closed, waved an "i'm sorry" at me, and then got back into his car and drove away, barely making the yellow, and leaving me once again at that darn intersection, with a red light, and a very happy guy on the median, selling newspapers, and wearing a new jacket.

Dumb Mistake:
Being in too big a hurry to notice the little miracles that occur around us every day. And forgetting that the world really is a pretty friendly place.

JB Holland
Life Coach
Tucson, AZ

Mistake #1: Chicken Little Syndrome

Dumb Mistake Number One that Smart People Make: Chicken Little Syndrome

When something falls on the head of Chicken Little, the infamous piece of poultry assumes that the sky is falling, and that all in the world are doomed.

Also referred to as "catastophizing" or "awfulizing" (by Albert Ellis), the Chicken Little Syndrome leads people to jump to conclusions about the awful-ness of circumstances, and even create worst-case scenarios for themselves. Pessimism instead of optimism. It's the "sinking feeling" that one gets when your boss announces that s/he wants to talk to you in 20 minutes. Do you spend the next 20 minutes excited about the possibilities, or terrorized by worry about all the mistakes you've made, and the horrible consequences that could result?

Unfrotunately, these catastrophisizing thoughts can actually make things worse - and in some cases even CAUSE the catastrophic events that we fear most. As stated in the book, The Ten Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make and How to Avoid Them, thinking the worst can actually bring about the disaster you fear - and it can happen in very subtle ways, and in just a matter of seconds.

One example is that of Mark, who is preparing to deliver a speech to his colleagues. Even as he approaches the microphone, instead of focusing on the content of his speech, Mark is awfulizing. The horrible scene flies through his mind:

What if the microphone won't work? I'll get upset and lose my place. I'll stutter. Then I'll get the whole thing messed up. Everyone will laugh at me. That will make my boss furious. I can forget about any kind of promotion. I'll be lucky if I keep my job. This speech could destroy me."

In a matter of seconds, Mark has written a "script for disaster." By the time he opens his mouth, he is convinced that his job is on the line. How well can one perform under that kind of self-imposed pressure?

The authors do point out, however, that avoiding those awfulizing thoughts, and instead thinking REALISTICALLY, does not mean cheerfully assuming that nothing bad will ever happen, and that everything will always be okay. It does mean challenging the realism of your awfulizing thoughts, preparing for what you CAN prepare for, and then catching yourself when you fall into the trap of writing a script for disaster before you've even started.

Like Chicken Little, instead of asking "Gee, I wonder what hit me on the head? It may be a small piece of sky. Perhaps I should gather more information and perhaps consult with an expert?" we all too often jump to grand conclusions based on a small piece of evidence, exaggerate the importance or awful-ness of it, and get ourselves all worked up into a panic.

So what can we do about it? Challenge Those Negative, Pessimistic, Catastrophizing Thoughts!
Authors Freeman and DeWolf suggest DE-Catastrophizing. Becoming aware of Chicken-Little thoughts and challenging the truthfulness of those fears. For Mark, in the example above, he could ask "Is this speech really the death of me? My career?" "Have I made this too important? Am I jumping to conslusions? Am I assuming that the sky is falling?"

What are your automatic self-destructive awfulizing thoughts? What are the common paths to Chicken Littledom?

• The Path of Global Effect. Sounds like (and I'm paraphrasing): "That sucked. I didn't do that well at all. I suck. I don't do anything well." This happens when we take a small incident, and assign global truths to it. Taking a single unpleasant event, and making generalized assumptions about how it applies to all future similar events.
• The Path of Generalization. Sounds like, "That didn't work. It will never work. I asked 2 women/men out on dates. They both said no. Women/men just don't like me. I'll never find someone to love me." From Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, "A coward dies many times before his death." We fail once, and imagine a million failures therafter; most unrealitic.
• The Path of Imitation, also known as "The Turkey Lurkey Effect." Adopting the conclusions of others, without questioning, disputing, or challenging their reality.
• The Path of Magnification. Assuming that a small event or mistake will have insurmountable consequences. Hyponchondriasis. A boss's sincerely productive feedback. Making a mountain out of a molehill.

Do any of those sound familiar? Which path might YOU take when under stress that exacerbates your anxiety and leads to awfulizing?

LIFE COACHING Exercise / Assignment for the Day: Practice "catching" those assumptions you make, the generalizations you make, and the awfulizing and catastrophizing thoughts, and challenge them. Refuse to automatically adopt a pessimistic and over-blown reaction to your situation.

And then let me know how it goes.

10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make

I recently went to my favorite used bookstore to get a copy of a couple of books I wanted. Although I didn't find the ones I was looking for, I left with 4 others that I didn't know I wanted until I saw them, and then couldn't figure out how I could have lived without them.

One book I picked up is titled "The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People Make" by Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf. I especially like it because the preface was written by Aaron Beck, whose work, like that of Albert Elllis, focuses on self-talk, irrational beliefs, and changing one's perspective with techniques like neuro-linguistic programming and such.

Anyway - for the next 10 days, as an effort to stay on top of this blog, (while also exercising my writing muscles), I will be covering the Top 10 Mistakes that Smart People (like you) Make, and How to Avoid Them.

Today we focus on WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO IDENTIFY OUR THINKING MISTAKES (also sometimes called "stinking thinking")

THINKING THAT YOU KNOW BETTER

Aha! Alhtough this is not officially one of the 10 dumbest mistakes, I do consider it one, and one I make a lot. I often find myself thinking that because I KNOW better, I should be incapable of acting inappropriately or making any kinds of mistakes. Dumb mistake, in and of itself. I have countless times experienced situations in which I knew better than to say, do, or act the way I did, and yet did it or said it anyway. How could I? How could I be so dumb? I know better than to do that! What was I thinking?

Unfortunately, as we all must realize at some point, at certain times, and in certain circumstances, it is virtually guaranteed that your SMARTS will desert you, and that knowing better won't make one iota of difference.

One time that this may happen is under duress. We all have different threshholds of tolerance for stress and anxiety; but when the brain's chemistry is altered by being under a significant level of unmanageable sensory overload, the effect can be complete abandon of all sense. You might even say that your brain is not within your voluntary control.

Identifying those times, and working to lower one's stress threshhold will help; in the meantime, just follow this blog for the next 10 days, to start to identify how, where, and if you are a smart person who makes dumb mistakes, and start to work on avoiding them.

Tomorrow: Mistake Number One

Chicken Little Syndrome

Coaches - Coach Thy Selves

So I'm writing a book.

That's right - I don't like admitting it, because of the inherant expecation to actually finish it someday that accompanies that announcement, but I'm not making the kind of progress on it that I want to, and know I should, so I'm just going to put it out there and make myself accountable - as scary as that is.

So what's my block? It's funny, because as a life coach, I work with clients on this same topic rather frequently. One of my clients, a PhD student (in clinical psychology, ironically enough) has been struggling with writer's burnout, (as have I) and the fear of failure has left her almost paralyzed (I can relate!)

So I'm going to take my own advice, coach myself as I would my clients, and do some serious work on myself so that I don't have this project (that I really do love) hovering over me like a piano dangling from a 10-story building. (Bad analogy - but it's a vivid image for me.)

Piano - be gone!

Some great self-coaching questions are found on a blog at www.startliving.org.uk. Okay - don't leave to go there, but you might think about checking it out, since you seem to have time, and an inexplicable interest in life coaching blogs - but that's a good thing!!

Using the OSKAR method (paraphrasing and giving credit to the anonymous author of startliving.org.uk) and actually coaching myself into motion, here goes:
OUTCOME:

1. What is the objective of the coaching session? To get the motivation and drive to get off my duff and write.
2. What do you want to achieve today? I'd like to get another 2-5 pages written, while AVOIDING the urge to spend time re-writing or critiquing myself.

SCALING:

3. On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 representing the worst it has ever been and 10 the preferred future, where would you put the situation today? For motivation I'm at about a 6. I want to write, but I fight it!
4. You are at 6 now; what did you do to get this far? Got a good running start, and have the characters clearly defined in my head.
5. How would you know you had got to 6+1? When I have some kind of outline to know what the plot is, and maybe even how it ends.

• KNOW-HOW & RESOURCES:

6. What helps you perform at 6 on the scale, rather than 0? Having the idea in my head of a scene or bit of dialogue.
7. When does the outcome already happen for you - even a little bit? When I make any kind of progress.
8. What did you did to make that happen? How did you do that? I was setting a time each day for my writing. I would take the first hour of my day to concentrate on making progress on it.

AFFIRM AND ACTION:

9. What's already going well? Well - hard to say. I've been letting it sit for too long. I haven't been doing much of anything on it. So other than what's already been done and sitting (for months) not much progress is being made. Not going well at all.
10. What is the next small step? To get over my fear of starting, failing, or sucking, and just get some more words on paper.
11. You are at ? now, what would it take to get you to ?+1? Already asked and answered.

REVIEW:

12. What's better?
13. What did you do that made the change happen?
14. What effects have the changes had?
15. What do you think will change next?

This section I need to wait to fill out until after I've done SOMETHING on paper. Then I'll be able to analyze what strategies I used to overcome the "get Started" paralysis and just do it.

I'll keep you posted.

Playing a Violin with Three Strings

I recently got an e-mail - one of those "feel good" and "pass it on" kinds. Normally, I read them, enjoy them, and delete them. But this one seemed worthy of a mention, and a repeat. It's by an unknown author.

On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City. If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly, is an awesome sight.

He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do. We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or else find another string for this one. But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again.

The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak Perlman refused to know that.

You could see him modulating, changing, re-composing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before. When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said - not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone - "You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard it. And who knows? Perhaps that is the definition of life - not just for artists but for all of us. Here is a man who has prepared all his life to make music on a violin of four strings, who, all of a sudden, in the middle of a concert, finds himself with only three strings; so he makes music with three strings, and the music he made that night with just three strings was more beautiful, more sacred, more memorable, than any that he had ever made before, when he had four strings.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then, when that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.

Overcoming Overwhelm

Yesterday I attended a meeting of the Tucson Coaches Alliance, a collaboration of life and business coaches in the Tucson Arizona area. The topic of the meeting was "Overcoming Entrepreneurial Overwhelm." Wow - what a timely topic!

If any of you are anything like me, you probably spend a lot of very productive time in overwhelm mode. I actually find that I get a lot done when under pressure, have more energy when more energy is required, and like being busy. There are times, however, when the overwhelming tasks (that irrationally take on mythically important proportions) get me over the hump of being productively busy, and send me into a panicked state that is almost paralyzing. It is times like that when I become anxious, distracted, and my productivity decreases.

Recognizing when the line between being busy and being overwhelmed is close to being crossed is crucial in being able to overcome that overly-anxious feeling of being under pressure and crunched for time. In myself, I know it's coming when I stop taking time to really listen to what people are saying to me. I find myself ruminating about the same things, being compulsively perfectionistic about things that don't really matter, and losing focus of priorities and tasks that really ARE important. I dawdle over things that are insignificant, out of panic and fear at some of the bigger, scarier tasks that need to be tackled.

Some great suggestions that came out of the coaches collaboration, and from a free e-book offered at www.inspiredentrepreneurs.com:

1. Practice extreme self-care. This may mean taking time out to get a haircut, pedicure, or massage. It may mean taking some alone time to read a good book, and get out of your head.

2. Visualize the finished product or accomplishment, and then make a list of tasks in chronological order that can be accomplished in order to get where you need to be - when you need to be there. As a list maker myself, this is a great suggestion. And by chronologically listing the events, tasks, and priorities that have the most leverage (have the biggest impact on the finished project) this keeps me from being distracted by details, until all the big stuff is done.

3. Vacation - it's mandatory!

4. Know your Overwhelm Set-Point. This will differ for everyone, of course. We all have different thresholds of tolerance for anxiety and overwhelm. Know yours, and recognize when you're not just busy - you're overwhelmed.

5. Ask for help, and delegate responsibilities that others can do - even if there's no way on earth they can ever do them as well as you can. :)

6. Do what you absolutely must, and UN-do what you can't, don't want to, or isn't an absolute necessity. (You might need to say no to some things you don't want to.)

7. Ask yourself - is it that you truly don't have enough time, or aren't wisely using the time you have? (This is a biggie for me. Better Time Management Skills can un-whelm a good meaning person.)

8. Acknowledge all the things you DO get done. If you don't cross out those must-dos on your to-dos list, then add all the things you did that were never on the list in the first place. Give yourself some credit!

9. Get Involved and Get Outside Yourself! Be a community member, good friend, and active part of the world outside of your office, your cubicle, or your house.

10. Search for wisdom. Talk to people whom you admire, who are good at managing stress, and ask them for suggestions. What do they do? They may have a great suggestion that is the golden ticket that will help you avoid the overwhelming feelings of obligation and time that too often disrupt our flow and stop our creative processes.

The World Will Have to Go Without

We've lost one of the greats, I'm afraid.

Jane, one of our dear personal training clients and friends for over 7 years, passed away suddenly last month. It was a shock, to say the least, and we will all dearly miss those hugs!

She and her husband, Tom, were inseparable. Although married for some thirty years, they were very close. We all referred to them as "Tom and Jane." It was never "Tom" or "Jane." Always "Tom-n-Jane." They were our fitness clients for years, but have always been more than that. They were always present for even the littlest celebrations - birthday dinners, open houses, seminars, speaking engagements - wherever they could be to show support and loyalty.

Alhtough we are fortunate to be able to continue to work with Tom and enjoy his friendship, we will miss Jane, and will all have fond memories of Patron-night, and of course those great hugs that greeted us every time we saw her.

Resiliency: Coping With Adversity

“Life is not a matter of holding good cards but of playing a poor hand well.” —Robert Louis Stevenson.

As President (and newsletter editor) for a local psychological association, the Adlerian Society of Arizona, I am called upon (nay, I volunteer) to choose an appropriate theme for each edition of the newsletter, and ask (nay, beg) for my fellow Adlerians' contributions. I try to make each newsletter relevant and interesting, (and worthy of the 25 bucks in annual dues that the members spend to belong to our fledgling group.)

The following is my contribution to the ASA Fall Newsletter, on the topic of overcoming challenges, and fostering resiliency in our youth:

Resiliency, or the ability to “bounce back” from adversity and challenge, is a trait (or perhaps a skill-set) that I’m sure we as counselors, parents, and/or educators, hope to foster in others: our children, our students, our clients, and even in ourselves. We know that being resilient is necessary to be able to get over huge obstacles, maintain perspective, move forward, and overcome setbacks. Without resiliency, any unfortunate event, accident, or loss can result in giving up, learned helplessness, hopelessness, and even a lack of social interest.

Whenever I think of resiliency, I can’t help but think about my experiences as a Probation Officer in the Juvenile Court system and the many children I encountered there who lived in unspeakable conditions and in the most dysfunctional of circumstances. Amid the many terribly “troubled” kids in the system, there were always a rare few who were amazingly resilient, who were somehow able to make it against the odds, making me wonder where they got the strength to cope and exist in a world that, to them, must have seem terribly unfair and difficult.

Just as there are some children from great families who mess up, and have to learn many of life’s lessons “the hard way,” there are, too, many children who come from dysfunction and despair, who somehow make it, and somehow survive amazingly well—despite poverty, affliction, criminal families, lack of education, and a lack of social or moral values or role models. I would often wonder, in my years of working with some of the most troubled teens in town, what the secret was. What was it that made it possible for one kid to be capable of coping with his ugly world, overcoming problems, turning his life around, and abiding by societal rules, when another from a similar background just couldn’t seem to be able to get it together?

Fortunately, much research has been done on the topic of Resiliency, and Tucson is fortunate to be a leader in the Resiliency Movement. The Tucson Resiliency Initiative (TRI) is “a grassroots effort to promote resiliency” by mobilizing all aspects of the community - particularly schools - to build resiliency in youth.

According to “Introduction to Resiliency” by Katie Frey, Ph.D., researchers in this field have identified characteristics common to children who have succeeded “against the odds.” These protective factors include many traits that can be developed by using principles that we (as Adlerians) identify as being Adlerian in nature, including: encouragement, respect, and social interest.

Dr. Frey identifies resilient children as those who are: "self-reliant, independent, self-controlled, hopeful, and who have an internal locus of control, and a sense of purpose."

So what can we do to help foster these qualities and create an environment for our children that is condusive to resiliency? As Adlerians, we already know. To learn resiliency, we can and must aim to provide: access to resources for meeting basic needs, access to leadership positions, opportunities for decision-making, and meaningful participation in the community.

Dr. Frey's other suggestions for the community to help foster resiliency include: "creating an environment where there is unconditional acceptance by at least one other person, having clear and enforced boundaries, encouraging pro-social values, appreciating an individual’s unique talents, and creating and maintaining a positive school climate with teachers and positive adults who truly care."

So as the school year begins, and many of us resume (or continue) in our efforts to make the world a more encouraging and resilient place, keep in mind that the single most important thing you can do in the life of a child is to love him or her, and teach the importance of positive attitude, social interest, encouragement, and unconditional acceptance.

For more information on resiliency, check out these resources:
www.tucsonresiliency.org
www.raisingresilientkids.com
www.resiliency.com

Right from the geck-go

So I have a houseguest. It started out harmless enough, but I'm afraid it's gotten ugly.

At first, he was polite, quiet, no loud parties or anything. Didn't eat much - the kind of low-maintenance do-my-own-thing kind of guest that's easy to have around. But then things changed. He got too close. Started expecting too much. Making a nuisance of himself, being sneaky. Going where he wasn't invited, and snooping around. He has the kinds of friends that I don't really approve of, too.

He's become very stand-offish. He's definitely avoiding me. And he scares me sometimes. Pops out from nowhere when I'm not expecting it. Watches. Stares. Makes me very uncomfortable.
And I don't know how to tell him. Whenever I feel brave enough to confront him, he runs and hides. Makes me feel guilty. I'm not a hater; I just think he should know his place. And his place is no longer in my life.

Here, Leezard, Leezard, Leezard.

No, Thanks. I've lost my appetite.

I’m disturbed. But not in that way.

Last night, in my quest to find some mindless, uplifting television, I found myself thrown into the sick, sad, shamefully amusing world of “Starved” on FX.

Well known for the controversial show, “Nip/Tuck,” which explores in graphic detail the world of flaws both character and aesthetic, freakish vanity, facial reconstruction, body dysmorphic disorder and plastic surgery in general, the FX channel has now added to its repertoire a show detailing (again, rather graphically) the ins and outs (you’ll get that pun in a minute) of characters with eating disorders: bulimics, compulsive overeaters, and anorexics. How should I feel about this show?

It was troubling. Confusing. Disappointing, Thought-Provoking. Sickening, and yet somehow ashamedly entertaining. Don’t hate me for saying that until you’ve seen it. (On the other hand, I’d rather you didn’t see it at all. No reason for you to have to wrestle this, too.) The show details the acts of starving, overeating, binging and purging, and the lives of those who do so. Offensive. Disgusting. Horrifying. And yet it wasn’t so gross that I had to turn it off. Or maybe it’s BECAUSE it was so offensive that I stayed glued to the set. Isn’t that awful? Some Hollywood writer has actually made the concept something that (at least to many) is considered entertaining, engrossing, and probably even funny. But as I watched, I just didn’t know whether I should be light-heartedly entertained, principled and angry, or just terribly, terribly sad. I guess in one degree or another I was some of each. And that made me even more sad. How should I feel about this show?

The show, unfortunately, is really pretty good. It’s well written, and well acted. The characters are quirky, flawed, and extremely likeable. I could see the quality of character development, the creative, interesting story lines, and occasionally even good-hearted and harmless humor, hidden between gag scenes (no pun intended) and offensive nonchalance about the seriousness of the illnesses portrayed. Hours after seeing the show, the images, the characters, the dialogue, and the not-so-subtle jabs about being fat, were still invading my thought processes, and threatening my sleep. How should I feel about this show?

<>There’s a storyline about a very overweight male character, preparing for gastric bypass, who goes on a liquid diet – of liquefied pasta, cheeseburgers, and pepperoni pizza. “Liquid in, liquid out, right?” he asks.

Another character (again, a male) has an unhealthy addiction to Nemo’s chocolate cake. He buys four at a time, and in an effort to exert some kind of self control, keeps them under lock and key in a desk drawer until something triggers an episode, during which he consumes all four (or more if he can find them) in one sitting, and then promptly makes an appointment with his porcelain commode. The opening scene in the episode shows him getting up in the morning, weighing himself, using the bathroom, weighing himself, eating cereal, weighing himself, and then throwing up before weighing himself again.

Another character (another male,) actually teaches a male protégé how to regurgitate on command. “BE the purge,” he tells him, as they share a stall in a public bathroom, proudly demonstrating with a head bow, a silent and unimpressive purge, and then delicately wiping the spittle from his mouth with a smug grin.

And all the characters are obsessed not only with their own weight, but the weight, size, and appearance of others. The Puke-on-Command Guy actually tells his student, “It’s not important how you feel. What’s important is how you look.” The “student,” a good looking, black police officer, takes notes. Literally. And practices his new mantra. “It’s not important how you feel. What’s important is how you look.”

In the middle of the show, the police officer, who has by now mastered the art of purging without so much as lifting a finger (again, quite literally), uses his police power to stop a man on a bicycle for running a red light. The man explains that he doesn’t run red lights. He runs yellow lights. The police officer asks his Chinese detainee, “You got chicken lo mein in there?” motioning to the parcel on the back of the bicycle.

“No,” the man says, in a thick Asian accent. “Chinese egg roll and moo shoo pork”

“Drop the Chinese egg roll and moo shoo pork on the sidewalk, Old Man, and I might just let you off with a warning.”

Cut to: cop eating egg roll, shoveling moo shoo pork into his mouth as quickly as he possibly can, and then finding a place in a dark side-alley where he can get rid of it. Unfortunately, after the first lurch of the cop’s stomach contents, the trash on which he is vomiting moves, revealing the occupant of said alley – an old, homeless man, who now is not only covered with remnants from the trash he was using to keep warm, but the contents of another person’s stomach. The cop, surprised, pulls a gun and says, “That’s illegal! Go get a real house!”

At least they’re all in therapy. “Group” is led by a brash, insensitive female therapist, who starts the 12-step like group by saying that “By creating an environment of accountability and shame, we are helping each other.” One by one, the members of the group introduce themselves, and divulge their eating disorder of choice. After each person in the group reluctantly confesses his or her food-related sins, the whole group, in unison, shouts, “IT’S NOT OKAY!” Some therapy, huh? It’s irresponsible and unethical. So how should I feel about this show?

Keep in mind that the whole thing is done with a dry, tongue-in-cheek, completely irreverent tone that makes the whole thing look and feel more like a drama than a comedy. Very dark. Nip/Tuck-ish.

It’s not funny ha-ha, but somehow funny sad-funny.

Funny “Shame on me for almost laughing“ funny.

Funny “That’s just wrong” funny.

It’s very not funny-funny. So how should I feel about this show?

I’m not sure yet whether the show is glorifying such disorders, or is intending to send a message of some kind. Is it good that there’s a show that brings attention to the diseases, or is it destructiuve to present them as being somehow humorous? Is it good that the show profiles a large number of males with eating disorders, and dispels the myth that women are the only sufferers? Or does it make it cool? Isn’t it size-ism to tell fat jokes (even if the joke tellers are pathetically disordered in their thinking?) Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Taking it too seriously? Feeling guilty for being captivated by the whole thing? Maybe. But maybe not.

All I know is that there is an epidemic in this country of aesthetic perfectionism. We are a country with citizens – most of whom are young females – who are dying from it. Body dysmorphic disorders, self-absorption, bulimia, anorexia, cosmetic surgery addiction, laxative abuse, and overeating. And then there’s the seemingly acceptable form of ‘ism that we’ve adopted: size-ism; weight-discrimination. Young girls commit suicide because they don’t feel pretty. They starve until they can see their rib cages. They punish themselves with food, and teach each other how to stick their fingers down their throats. They even have weight-loss contests, for heaven’s sake, with the winner being the one who loses the most weight without losing their hair! And they’re going on diets as young as nine years old. And where do they learn that it’s okay? So exactly how should I feel about this show?

I still don’t know. I don’t know how I should feel about the show. And I don’t know how I actually feel. And that might just be exactly the reaction the producers are hoping for. In fact, I’d bet on it. I mean – look how it’s consumed my time? My resources? Invaded my thoughts? Gotten me talking? Raised my emotions and made me examine my own personal values? I mean – geez – I just promoted their blasted television show on my blog!

So please. Don’t watch. Just don’t watch. Because if you do, and if you feel any kind of compassion or empathy for people in this world who are suffering – and even dying - from these kinds of illness, then you, too, may have to ask yourself: Is this show irreverent and totally socially irresponsible, or is it really – like they want us to believe - just a little harmless entertainment?

Monsoon Madness

It's been raining in Arizona. This may not seem blog-worthy to you, but in Tucson, Arizona when it rains, and when big, heavy clouds roll in from the South, the mood of the whole city changes.

The skies get dark, and the Catalina Mountains to the North of the city get bathed in hues of purple and pink. Sometimes a low rumble, like the sound of an approaching train, warns of the turbulence to come, and other times, without any warning at all, the skies will just open up, catching innocent pedestrians, bicyclists, and joggers by surprise in a downpour of huge un-dodgeable drops, as if the Storm God is playing a joke. People comically run for cover, desperately trying the avoid the inevitable to-the-bone soaking that a good monsoon can deliver. Then, just as suddenly, usually about the time they find shelter, the clouds move on, and the sun comes out. Monsoons do have a sense of humor! It’s a virtual guarantee that if you sense the ominous presence of an incoming monsoon, and have an errand to do, you will be the victim of its laughter. It will not rain until you get out of the car, and it will stop by the time you’ve run across the parking lot to the WalMart entrance, and are completely soaked, head to toe. With your hair dripping and plastered wet to your head, and your clothing clinging to the parts of your body you wish they wouldn’t, you’ll get the inevitable question by gawkers, “Oh, is it raining?” Of course, by the time you leave the store it’s sunny outside, the torrential rain has completely evaporated, and you have to endure the drive home with your legs sticking to the seat, and the humidity that your wet clothes are creating as they mix with the desert heat.

I love the monsoons!

When it rains in Tucson, it’s not like a rain in any other place I’ve ever been. It doesn’t drizzle. It’s not a slow, gentle shower that you might see in the Northwest, where it will stay dark and rainy all day. Oh, no. When it rains in Tucson, it is a violent, beautiful thing. A monsoon storm approaches suddenly, and leaves just as quickly. Unlike some storms that will move in and swathe an entire city, a monsoon is selective and unpatterned. It may drop an inch of rain in a mad and awesome downpour in one place, and leave the desert completely dry and without any indication of its presence less than a mile away.

Tucson, which has virtually no drainage, depends on the natural desert washes to collect the rain from the mountains. Unfortunately, when it rains in Tucson, it often does so with such enthusiasm that all the water simply can’t make it to a wash, and will create its own – usually right across the road of the route you use to get home. Flash floods are common here, and all too often, drivers on the road seem to think that they can challenge Mother Nature, and end up being washed away in the strong and dangerous currents from the rushing water.

In places where cloudy days are more the norm than not, then a sunny day might make you want to ditch work, play hooky, and enjoy being outside, with full appreciation for those warm rays. In Tucson, however, where it’s sunny 360 days a year, (are we spoiled or what?) it’s the rain that gets people out. Gets people talking. Makes people want to stop what they’re doing, play hooky, and enjoy it. As I said, the mood of the whole city changes, and people relax. They laugh more, they seem to be friendlier, and everyone suddenly has something in common: we live in this beautiful desert country where storms can actually bring us together.

Parking lots fills with rushing water, it gets very, very dark, and occupants of office buildings emerge from shelter to watch the phenomena. Shoppers quit shopping and go outside. Awnings over strip malls cover crowds of people who have stopped what they were doing to watch the water. Anywhere you go, you can see the familiar sight of Tucsonans standing around, marveling at the sight of rain, and wondering if there will be water in the Canada del Oro or Rillito washes. The monsoon rains get people talking to each other. It creates alliances, and gives people a reason to stop and pay attention to the desert. A monsoon demands attention. And Tucsonans gleefully oblige.

And the sound. Oh, the sound of the rain. I have an office in a big warehouse-type building where I like to work when it rains. When those huge, unforgiving rains hit the metal roof, the sound can be deliciously deafening. The now familiar “tink tink tink” is soothing, and makes me want to sit in the dark with a cup of iced coffee, fire up the ‘puter and write.

I’m going to miss the monsoons.

Life Swapping

The title of this blog should really be "Wife Swapping," but it's probably not what you're thinking.

There's an ABC Television series, entering its 5th season this year, in which an under-appreciated (and often over-worked) mom switches lives with another equally as under-appreciated mom. It's called "Wife Swap" and, hopefully, at the end of the show, the moms return home, tearfully welcomed by a considerably more humble, more grateful, and more appreciative (read: traumatized) family.

It's really kind of a "feel-good" kind of show. By the end, everyone realizes how grateful they are to live where they live, live HOW they live, and have the families they have. And hopefully, everyone has learned a little in the process - about themselves, about how and where they could do better, and about things they will most certainly work to avoid.

This week I was contacted by a casting agent with ABC, looking for Boot Camp Fitness Instructors (who happen to be moms) who run their lives and their families with structure, self-discipline, rigidity, expectation and principle to be on their show.

Wouldn't you know it? I had the perfect person in mind. No - it's not me. lol. Strong (but kind), determined (yet flexible), self-disciplined (yet tolerant), structured (yet spontaneous) and strict (yet loving). She's a formerly overweight self-trained marathon runner, certified personal trainer, nutritionist, devoted student (working full time plus going to school), mother of three very well behaved children, and wife of a former Marine turned police officer. How's that for structured, disciplined, and responsible?

Anyway - within 2 hours, they were on the phone with her. Within 4 hours they had interviewed her, her husband, and both the kids still living at home. Within 6 hours they had booked flights for their New York Production Crew to fly to Tucson to pay them a home visit and within 24 hours, she was sitting in her living room, talking to a television producer about the intricacies, quirks, and secrets of daily life in her home, (oh, yeah - and they brought cameras, of course,) and thinking about what kind of wife (or mom) she'd be to someone else's family.
We don't know if she'll get picked, but it's pretty big news around here. And it's gotten me thinking, "Would I do it?"

The monetary compensation isn't huge, but it's enough to make you stop and think. Knowing that the place they would send you would be the most miserable, intolerable, and frustrating place they can think of for you, and that you would be subjecting your family to what might possibly be a week and a half of pure, unadulterated Satan's Haven, could you do it? Would you do it?

So Tucson may have a celebrity on its hands. And my friend might have a nightmare on hers. Then again, maybe it will be an opportunity to grow, learn, gain some insight, and take a paid vacation. But I don't know..........

Could you do it?

Here's to "Old" Friends

As I mentioned before, I recently returned from a Class Reunion in Pocatello, Idaho. Now I wasn't even going to go, at first. In fact, I was a holdout until practically the last minute. I had been having some weird, inexplicable anxiety about it for weeks. There was no rational reason for feeling insecure, nervous, or anxious about it - I just did, and was having difficulty figuring out where it was coming from.

I had a great time in high school. I had some great friends, I wasn't the subject of any scandal that I can remember, and I don't have any old boyfriends that would be painful to see or anything. I just felt kinda weird about it. In fact, I even had a dream about it - I don't remember if it was a good dream or a bad dream, but the idea that I was dreaming about the reunion at all kind of concerned me.

I asked myself if it was that I had any regrets about my teen years. Of course, the answer was both yes and no - not too many perfectly righteous teenagers out there - and I wasn't one of them, but there was nothing I was really ashamed or embarrassed about. I did the normal talking-about-people and spreading-gossip stuff that teenage girls do. But nothing major that would warrant any of my classmates visiting me in slumber.

Was it that I wished I'd accomplished more? Traveled more? Studied more? Gotten a couple more degrees? Written a book? Maybe. Looking back, realizing that - well - a large number of years has passed, you suddenly start getting accountable for how you've spent them. But that wasn't really it. After all - I didn't care who was doing what, or who was considered the "most successful" or any of that crap (pardon my language but it IS crap!) that people care about at a 10-year reunion. I doubted whether anyone would care what I was doing, or how successsful I was, or anything like that. And I didn't feel the need or desire to talk about or justify the last 20 years of my life to anyone, so that wasn't the source.

Was it the way I looked? After all, as much as I try to avoid it, I AM getting older. And things don't look the same as they did when I was 17 years old any more. I sat with that one for a long time, before I realized that, to some degree, that was it. After a long, hard sit down with my ego, I realized that I was concerned that I wouldn't be cute! Am I a vain, self-absorbed FREAK or what? Was I ever even cute at all? Who knows? And if I ever was - where had it gone?

A week before the reunion, instead of thinking about how great it was going to be to reunite with my old buddies and girlfriends, I was thinking, "Dangit! Is it too late to lose 5 pounds? I probably can't get ripped arms in 5 days, can I? I should have been squeezing in an extra workout here and there. Am I wrinkly? EEK! I'm wrinkly! Why did I ever sit out in the sun? Are my teeth sparkly and white? I wonder if I should get a haircut? Do I look as old as other people my age look? Maybe I should visit my dermatologist for an emergency-treatment of some kind? Plastic surgery is out of the question - but maybe I can camouflage my flaws with makeup?"

It was endless - the mental energy I was spending on useless thoughts like that was embarrassingly consuming. I'm embarrassed even thinking about it now. I'm no SuperModel - why do I care so much? Well - it was too late to lose 5 lbs. Especially since that was about the same time I started stress eating. And I AM a little wrinkly. And my teeth aren't movie-star white. And I don't get carded any more. So I must look my age. And dermatology is expensive.

Although all those kinds of insecurities have occasionally raised their ugly heads as I've gotten older, I tend to just find those kinds of thoughts to be annoying and unproductive. I can usually brush them off and ignore them, and be happy that I'm able to do what I can to take care of myself. But it wasn't happening this time. I was on a mission. Mission: Imperfectus. Mission: Self Destructus. Mission: Reunionitis. Why couldn't I let it go?

After I had decided and made the commitment to go, I became consumed with STUPID obsessions about what I would wear to what event; would I wear my hair down, or pulled back? Contacts or glasses? Sandals or pointy-toes shoes? (Sandals won, by the way - I had treated myself to a pedicure). Which color looked better on me - blue or pink? Capri pants or a skirt? What if the weather makes my hair flat? What if the humidity makes me break out? Were my clothes out of fashion? Exactly how much bigger IS my butt? I could go on and on, and I DON"T KNOW WHY. It's embarrassing - but it was so bad, I packed 12 outfits for 2 days. Took 7 pairs of shoes. Even bought some new underclothes. What was the deal?

So I did some work. I made a list of all those irrational, unhealthy and negative thoughts, and came up with a reasonable response to each one. I even kept it on a notecard and studied it. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to overcome all the negative little gremlins that talk in our heads and keep us frustrated, stuck, and paralyzed. I won't go into all the details about what my new, more logical perspectives and responses were, but I will tell you this. I realized that I haven't seen most of these people in nearly 20 years. That alone tells me that what they think of me hasn't mattered too much in all that time - and certainly shouldn't matter now. I also realized that even though I have come to terms with the fact that I'm not 18 any more - neither are any of them! Every last one of them is 20 years older, too! And I'll bet you anything that many of them are struggling with the same mental garbage about their looks, how they've spent their time, what kind of person they've become, and on and on. I wonder how many people deliberately didn't go to the reunion because of it? I honestly hope not too many. Because as it turned out, it wasn't about that at all.

The reunion was wonderful. Seeing my old friends was - GREAT! (A really cheesy word for a really incredible experience for me.) All my fears and worries vanished immediately the moment I saw so many people that had been such an important part of my life years ago. And it was like barely a year had passed. We were all so different, and yet so much the same!

It wasn't at all about who was doing what. It wasn't about who had gone to what college, or who had the coolest job, or who had the most kids. It wasn't about who looked the best, or who looked the worst, and certainly not about what we were wearing. In fact, I don't remember a single memorable outfit in the crowd - which means all my worries about my own outfit were just plain silly and immature.

So what was it about?

It was about friendship. Appreciating each other. Getting to know each other as we are NOW instead of trying to recapture what we WERE back then. It was about enjoying each others' company, telling funny stories, and indulging in some happy memories. It was about reconnecting. Letting all the insecurities go, and just enjoying the experience. It was about visiting and appreciating snippets of past experiences, people, and places, and being grateful for how far we've come. It was about finding commonalities - even after that many years - and appreciating family and friends. It was about - well, it was about companionship; not about competition. Allowing people to change, and appreciating them for it.

And for me? For me, it was most about having an opportunity to really look inside and figure out how to overcome a pattern of thought that was threatening to really rock my self-confidence, and put me on a path of self-pity. You know, I've been at this for a long time. I use coaching, motivation, and therapeutic tools every day to help my clients overcome negative self-talk, and use them in my own personal life as well and yet I am STILL amazed at how much I have yet to learn, and am grateful for opportunities to do so.

Thank you, Highland Classmates, for what was truly a highlight of this decade. Personally, I don't think I can have too many friends, and it's certainly easier to maintain the ones you've got than to make new ones. I look forward to having you all in my mental database of people who have been important in my life, and people with whom I hope to always be friends. See you at the 30th - wrinkles and all!